essential-wisdom

Leading Through Connection: Relationships Are Essential

Wed, 16 Apr 2025 21:35:12 GMT

Leading Through Connection -

How Relationships Teach, Heal, and Inspire Co-Creation.

The Transformative Power of Relationships in Leadership: Teachers, Healers, and Co-Creators

In the landscape of leadership, success is often measured by metrics like performance, efficiency, and innovation. But underneath these outcomes is a more fundamental truth—one that is both intuitive and frequently overlooked: relationships form the core of meaningful and transformative leadership. Far beyond serving as transactional connections or business necessities, relationships are powerful tools for personal and collective growth. They are teachers, healers, and vehicles for co-creation, shaping leaders and teams alike in profound ways.

This perspective is vital in an age that prioritizes speed, efficiency, and decision-making over the slow, deliberate work of understanding and connecting with others. In reality, leadership cannot thrive without relationships because they provide the foundation for growth, learning, and collaboration.

Relationships as Teachers: Growth Through Discovery

At the heart of leadership is the capacity to learn continuously. A leader’s development doesn’t come solely from books, training, or even experience—it comes from people. Relationships are, in fact, one of the most reliable sources of education for leaders. They teach empathy, adaptability, and the limits of our own perspectives.

One compelling aspect of relationships as teachers lies in their ability to disprove biases. Human nature often leads us to make snap judgments, shaped by our prior experiences and perceptions. As leaders, these biases can cloud our judgment and affect the way we engage with our teams. However, relationships provide the time and opportunity to challenge these initial impressions and reveal truths that may have been obscured.

Moreover, relationships teach leaders about their own blind spots and areas for growth. An honest colleague or a trusted team member can serve as a mirror, reflecting back insights that might otherwise go unnoticed. These moments of self-discovery are invaluable; they challenge leaders to grow, to listen more carefully, and to engage more authentically.

To embrace relationships as teachers, leaders must cultivate a mindset of humility and curiosity. They must be willing to admit when they are wrong and remain open to the lessons that emerge from each interaction. Relationships, then, become not just connections but classrooms—spaces where leaders and their teams learn and grow together.

Relationships as Healers: Repairing and Strengthening Bonds

Leadership is not a flawless process. It involves mistakes, misunderstandings, and occasional breaches of trust. In such moments, relationships serve another critical function: they are healers, mending the inevitable rifts that arise in human connections.

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how leaders respond to conflict defines the strength and resilience of the team. Rather than avoiding or suppressing tensions, effective leaders approach conflict as an opportunity to deepen relationships. This requires a willingness to engage in difficult conversations, to listen without defensiveness, and to take ownership of one’s role in the situation.

Healing through relationships is also about creating environments where individuals feel safe to express themselves fully. Psychological safety—a concept often discussed in the context of high-performing teams—is rooted in the quality of relationships. When leaders prioritize empathy, vulnerability, and genuine care, they foster a culture where team members feel valued and supported. In such environments, individuals are more likely to take risks, share innovative ideas, and contribute to the team’s collective success.

It’s important to recognize that healing is not a one-sided process. While leaders play a crucial role in facilitating it, they too can benefit from the healing power of relationships. Leadership often comes with its own set of pressures and challenges, and maintaining meaningful relationships provides leaders with a source of support, perspective, and renewal. Trusted relationships remind leaders that they are not alone in their journey, offering solace and strength during moments of doubt or difficulty.

Relationships as Vehicles for Co-Creation: Building Together

Finally, relationships embody the ultimate leadership opportunity: co-creation. Great leaders recognize that their role is not to have all the answers, but to create the conditions for collaboration and innovation. Relationships provide the fertile ground where diverse perspectives, talents, and experiences converge to generate something greater than the sum of its parts.

Co-creation thrives on the principles of mutual respect and shared purpose. When leaders invest in relationships, they unlock the potential of their teams to solve complex problems, design innovative solutions, and achieve extraordinary outcomes. This process requires leaders to step back from a top-down approach and embrace a more collaborative, participatory style of leadership.

One of the most exciting aspects of co-creation is its unpredictability. Relationships bring together individuals with unique viewpoints, and the resulting collaboration often leads to outcomes that no one could have anticipated alone. For instance, a leader working on a strategic initiative might draw on the insights of team members from different departments, whose varied perspectives spark new ideas and approaches. Through this process, the team not only achieves the immediate goal but also strengthens their collective ability to tackle future challenges.

Beyond problem-solving, co-creation within relationships also fosters a sense of ownership and empowerment among team members. When individuals feel that their contributions are valued and integral to the team’s success, they are more likely to take initiative and bring their best selves to the table. This dynamic creates a positive feedback loop, where strong relationships fuel collaboration, and successful collaboration further deepens relationships.

Leaders who embrace relationships as vehicles for co-creation also inspire others to do the same. By modeling collaborative behavior and celebrating the contributions of others, they set a tone that permeates the entire organization. This culture of co-creation becomes a defining feature of the team, enabling them to adapt, innovate, and thrive in an ever-changing environment.

A Relational Approach to Leadership

Leadership is often seen as an individual pursuit—one that relies on the vision, strategy, and decision-making of a single person. But the truth is that leadership is deeply relational. It is through relationships that leaders learn, heal, and create, transforming their teams and organizations in the process.

To lead relationally is to embrace the complexity and richness of human connections. It is to approach every interaction with a sense of curiosity and possibility, recognizing that even the most challenging relationships have something valuable to teach. It is to prioritize trust, empathy, and collaboration, creating an environment where everyone can thrive.

As leaders navigate the demands of their roles, they would do well to remember this: relationships are not distractions from the work of leadership; they are the work of leadership. They are the foundation upon which everything else is built—the teachers that challenge us, the healers that sustain us, and the co-creators that propel us forward.

In the end, leadership is less about what we accomplish alone and more about what we build together. And in that shared journey, relationships are the greatest gift we can give and receive.

The Original Promise

Wed, 22 Jan 2025 19:12:58 GMT

The Original Promise:

Understanding and Challenging the Vows We Made to Our Younger Selves and Their Impact on Leadership

Re-examining Our Promises and Leadership

Personal capacity and leadership effectiveness are intertwined.

The unconscious commitments we made to protect ourselves during our formative years shape how we guide and inspire others. Reflecting, understanding and challenging these promises can revolutionize our leadership style in the following ways:

Empathy : Leaders who reexamine their own promises can better comprehend the fears and motivations of their team members, fostering a more empathetic workplace.
Vulnerability : Demonstrating vulnerability by sharing personal breakthroughs can inspire others to do the same, creating a culture of openness and trust.
Adaptability : By challenging outdated beliefs, leaders can become more adaptable and open to new ideas, essential in a rapidly changing world.
Empowerment : Leaders who break free from limiting promises can empower their teams to do the same, leading to a more innovative and motivated workforce.

Building this internal capacity not only transforms us as individuals but is foundational as we become better stewards of others when we lead. It’s through this kind of introspective work that we truly enhance our ability to guide and support those around us, fostering a culture of growth and mutual empowerment.

The Origins of Our Promises

As children, we often internalize certain beliefs and commitments to protect ourselves from perceived threats and pains. These promises, made during our formative years, serve as emotional shields that carry us through various phases of life. But why do we make such promises in the first place?

These self-made promises typically stem from a desire to feel safe, accepted, and loved. They emerge from experiences where we might have faced emotional hurt, rejection, or trauma.

These promises serve a dual purpose. On one hand, they provide a sense of control and security. On the other hand, they form part of our identity—shaping how we see ourselves and how we interact with the world around us. Over time, these promises influence our behaviors, decisions, and even our life choices.

The Challenge of Breaking These Promises

As we mature, the very promises that once protected us can become constraints. The challenge lies in recognizing that these commitments, while previously beneficial, may now hinder our progress and potential. The fear-based promises we made can lead to self-imposed limitations, preventing us from exploring new opportunities or embracing change.

Breaking these promises can be difficult for several reasons:

Emotional Attachment : These promises are deeply rooted in our emotional experiences. They have been part of our coping mechanisms for so long that letting them go feels like losing a part of ourselves.
Fear of the Unknown : Changing long-held beliefs and behaviors means stepping into the unknown, which can be daunting.
Identity Crisis : Since these promises are integral to our identity, challenging them can lead to an existential crisis, leaving us unsure of who we are without them.
Comfort Zone : Staying within the boundaries set by our promises offers comfort and predictability, which can be hard to relinquish.

The Importance of Reexamining Our Promises for Leadership

Despite the challenges, it's crucial to revisit and reassess these promises, especially for those in leadership roles. Holding onto outdated commitments can prevent us from fully embracing our potential and living a fulfilling life both professionally and personally. Reexamining these vows can lead to several positive outcomes, particularly for leaders:

Personal Growth: By identifying and challenging these promises, we open ourselves up to new experiences and opportunities that foster growth. For leaders, this translates to understanding and adapting to new challenges and perspectives, which can inspire team members to do the same.
Authenticity: Releasing outdated promises allows us to align more closely with our true selves, leading to a more genuine and authentic life. Authentic leaders build trust and credibility with their teams, fostering a culture of honesty and transparency.
Resilience: Learning to break free from fear-based promises builds resilience and adaptability, enabling us to navigate life's challenges more effectively. Resilient leaders are better equipped to handle setbacks and lead their teams through change and uncertainty.
Fulfillment: By letting go of limiting beliefs, we can pursue our passions and dreams, leading to a more satisfying and meaningful life. Leaders who feel fulfilled are more likely to create a positive and motivating work environment for their teams.

The promises made by our younger selves were vital for our initial survival and emotional well-being. However, reexamining and challenging these commitments is essential for personal growth and leadership effectiveness.

By embracing change and letting go of outdated beliefs, leaders can unlock their true capacity and lead more authentic, resilient, and fulfilling lives. This, in turn, empowers them to inspire and guide their teams more effectively.

Leading With Wisdom

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 16:05:27 GMT

To know your journey is to know your impact.
To know your impact is to lead with wisdom.

It is a great responsibility for a leader to understand their journey and their lived life, how it impacts their leadership, and influences the culture of the organizations they lead.

Whether a conscious choice or not, as leaders, you have direct accountability in what you create in the workplace and creating a culture EQUIPPED FOR THRIVING.

What you model is what will grow.
You are a modern day tribal elder.

I would guess that your journey is underpinned by some of the same characters, emotions, and themes that mine is....

➡ Antagonists, protagonists, heroines, heroes, heralds, victims, victors, villains, liars, rescuers, persecutors, optimist, pessimist, and truthtellers.
➡ Elation, powerful, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, grief, fear, anger, disgust, sadness, joy, loneliness, thankful, and surprise.
➡ Wins, losses, miracles, recoveries, near misses, overcoming odds, gut instincts, hard won, hard work, and faith.

�� Bottomline....
All that living makes a human.
What makes a human is what makes the leader.
What makes the leader is what makes the culture.

➡ All journeys involve this essential pattern: the loss, the transformation, the gift.

No matter if you have "journey judgement" and lump those stories into their respective binary buckets of good/bad, or somewhere in the middle, there is value in what you have lived and how you've brought that lived experience forward into your leadership.

�� Reviewing Your Journey....
To take a first step in understanding your journey, consider three things:
the events/stories, the people, and the emotions.

Next, use these 3 questions to gain insights around the meaning.
1️⃣ What did you lose?
2️⃣ What did you find?
3️⃣ How did what you found make you the leader you are today?

�� Keep a notebook of your observations....
There will be themes.
Patterns will emerge.
Each insight is worth reviewing.

And every step you take in understanding your journey is equal to the depth of understanding how you lead and the impact you're making.

Photo by Jake Weirick on Unsplash

Are We Playing Too Small?

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 16:01:14 GMT

We're often two to three years behind our own internal compass.

At least this is my take on the situation. My informal research started on this topic about 10 years ago. While I listened to team members, clients, leaders, friends, and even strangers, they all reported some what of the same thing - they all knew well in advance that it was time to shift. Maybe it was to do that thing they really wanted to do, or leave the company, start a company, or start laying out "the plan", but they all stopped for a lot of different reasons and decided not to do anything. So, time passed (about 2 to 3 years), and then something would happen. An event would seemingly force them to make the change. I heard talk about how they were laid off, fired, their employer went through a reorg or out of business. Maybe a leader they enjoyed working with left the company, or a "solid" relationship changed, maybe their role changed, or a health crisis.

No matter, something happened.

Their reasons for not moving forward? Some flavor of: time, money, capacity, and fear.

Are You Following Your Own Guidance System?

When I talked to those people, who were all on the other side of the change, they all remembered noticing something was amiss, internally and externally.

Externally, maybe their role wasn’t a fit for them anymore, or the organization was experiencing contraction versus expansion. Maybe the values were shifting at the company or maybe there was always value misalignment, and they were just ready to look at it now. Maybe they were always the outlier, the challenging voice, the voice of reason, the trouble maker. Maybe there was too much group think or not enough contrarian points of view. Maybe they recognized the person who was in charge was not really who was in charge. Maybe there was less diversity and no efforts to change. Maybe they saw that profits covered a lot of the "sin" - sin in leadership, processes, practices, policies. Whatever the reason, something was changing or stagnate.

As for the internal environment, people reported that their inspiration had waned, felt like they were playing way too small, or that there had to be more than "this." I heard that their internal direction was less clear or maybe they had accomplished exactly what they set out to do but fulfillment just was really different than what they had expected it would be. Maybe it’s was something as simple as an idea kept haunting them. Or maybe the money was way too good.

All their stories had the same theme and timing- they got a sense that something needed to change, the flow of thing were off, and they decided to stay right where they were. Until 2-3 years later they had to make the change.

Yet, the internal wisdom was there for each one of them. They each sensed something.

What Code Do You Live By?

Acting on your own best behalf?

It's happening to me versus for me?

Living with the default future?

I have a code of life I live by - the universe is always conspiring in my favor . What I know to be true about this code is that I can say to the universe "hard pass" on that "change" right now or digging into what that feeling is signaling to me. And what I know for sure is the universe will say "no problem", yet will circle back around and the ante will absolutely get raised. By ante I mean the cost of the "hard pass" will have a penalty. I've been in that place more times than I care to count. Each of those times when I "passed' it inevitably cost me in some way - more money, more time, my health, my mental well-being, relationships, compromised my values, unnecessary stress and strain on myself and often others.

There is a cost to passing on the invitation to grow.

There is a cost to playing small.

We Are Equipped With A Cape.

There is a great line in a song by Guy Clark called The Cape. You don't need to read the lyrics to image what this song is all about. A young person is trying to figure out life by taking risks. Ultimately, he trusts his cape - a superpower - and dives into life knowing it's all a leap of faith.

That superpower - the cape - is what is speaking to you when the universe comes calling.

Have You Been In That Place Before?

Maybe you're there right now? You've sensed something was changing but told the universe "pass" or just blew it off all together? Has the universe circled back around, yet? Did your ante get raised? What was the cost of that decision?

Here are a few questions to ask yourself if you think you're getting nudged for upcoming change...AKA playing big with your cape...

How am I relating to my current work? Is it fulfilling? Am I challenged?

What are my values? Are they aligned with what my organization values?

Am I getting done what I came here to do? You know what I mean...in this LIFE...your one precious life. Thanks Mary Oliver.

What sets me on fire? Am I doing this work in some way?

What are my top priorities?

Am I moving towards opportunities versus running away from them?

Do my goals feel a little scary?

If you need a sounding board to sort through the questions, or identify your cape, reach out.

Tea With Mara

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 15:55:36 GMT

There is a beautiful story that inspires me regarding the Buddha and His inviting Mara to tea.

Tara Brach Ph.D. tells it brilliantly here .

As the story goes, on the morning of Buddha’s enlightenment, He fought a great battle against the Demon God Mara, the representation of negative qualities in the human ego. Buddha’s loyal attendant, Ananda, was always on the high watch for any harm that could come to his teacher. On this special day, Ananda became aware that Mara was lurking on the periphery and alerted Buddha to his presence. Instead of shooing Mara away, the Buddha invited him to tea and treated him like royalty, an honored guest.

We all have a Mara lurking in our outer and inner worlds. It’s the habit we’re trying to corral. It’s the emotion that goes unchecked. It’s the limiting self-talk that doesn’t serve us or others. It’s the relationship that most challenges us. For me, it’s a feeling of terror that is residual from past events. I know the trigger well, and it equally knows me, too. It’s the one fear in which I can’t quite get away from or get a complete grip on. There is no hiding, only fighting or inviting.

Mara recently came for a visit and stayed longer than I anticipated. I had done a lot of work and gotten myself to a place of leaning into the discomfort, but this one unhinged me in an exceptionally good way. It took me five weeks of fighting until I succumbed to the invitation – inviting Mara to tea. First, I allowed the friendship with Mara welcoming him in, and then I became the student. Everything shifted at that point. New insights flooded in, the fear and miasma cleared, and my energy was transformed.

My want - next time, and there will be a next time, I will remember to extend my heart in gentle gratitude and sit with Mara and have tea.

Everyone Is Right

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 15:53:19 GMT

Opportunities Offer Up Different Perspectives On Problem Solving

My husband and I are preparing to move our youngest child to another city. She'll be there for a year so lots of unmaking of her life, and ours, is happening. The obvious trek is to go down the road of change and navigating the emotions of such threshold events, but I won't. Instead, having three people concurrently experiencing this event has bought up an entirely different topic and surfaces a far more impactful and serious question:

How and when to pack the cars? Yes, two cars.

We’re traveling in tandem on a 1000 mile journey. Given that each vehicle has limited space, we are each approaching the packing process from a different conative point of view. Conative, you say? What’s that? Conation is the instinctive , or will, part of the three aspects of mind: cognitive, affective, and conative. There are historical references to conation which appear in the works of Aristotle and this aspect continues to surface in the realms of psychology, education, and philosophy. Conation has gotten the least amount of focus. In contrast, research and attention on the other two aspects, affective and cognitive, are abundant. A few synonyms for conation include: ambition, desire, dedicated, drive, impulse, focus, intent, motivation, persistence, striving, volition, and vocation.

The clearest distinction between the conative and the other parts of the mind is that conation rules instinctive behavior. This is the natural place we work from, versus learned behavior. Both cognitive and conative behaviors are impacted by the environment, but circumstances will effect cognitive behaviors, whereas as conative (instinctive) behaviors will always revert back to form.

Kathy Kolbe is the world’s leading expert on conation and she has developed the Kolbe Index (KI) which sequesters this aspect of the mind from the other two aspects and can measure it isolated fashion. The Kolbe Index is the only profiling instruments which measure this aspect. Other instruments combine cognitive, affective, instinctive, and behavioral patterns whereas the KI measures only the instinctive part of the mind.

Here is an over simplified description of each Kolbe Index action mode which is gleaned from my direct experience of taking the assessment. There are four instinct paths and degrees within each action mode. Many of us have some of each.

Fact Finder - To Probe; deals with facts, details, and complexities by setting priorities and creating strategies. Fact Finder behavior relates to the way we gather and share information (degree of detail, precision, documentation).

Follow-Thru - To Pattern; creates patterns and drives actions through planning. Follow Thru behavior deals with the way we arrange and design (amount of orderliness, sequencing, and closure).

Quick Start - To Innovate; deals with risk, unknowns, and is driven by challenge, deadlines, and the need to improvise and entertain possibilities. Quick Start behavior deals with risk and uncertainty (degree of inclination to risk, change, and innovation).

Implementor - To Demonstrate; deals with tangible, concrete world by construction and giving form to ideas. Implementor mode relates to the way we handle space and tangible solutions (dealing with nature, tools, and hardware/equipment).

When our family began to think about how and when to pack the cars , this is what unfolded:

My husband leads with Fact Finder – he was getting into the details of the different ways to get her stuff to the final destination: rent a car, rent a trailer, hire movers, tow her car behind ours, etc… He embarked on a fact finding mission on each option, and more, and could recap in exquisite detail the pros/cons of each.

Our daughter leads with Quick Start – quick starts are brilliant at deadline driven goals and responding to in-the-moment challenges. This showed up as her delaying to pack boxes and not having them ready for loading into the car until the day before our departure.

I lead with Implementor – I wanted to deal with the tangible process of getting the boxes packed and into the car. Now. Not tomorrow.

Our natural problem solving instincts started to converge: we had lots of choices in how to best move her contents and perhaps got bogged down in detail; last minute packing delayed loading the car which challenged the desire to be literally in action, right now . Funny thing, we were all correct in our approach. The trick was we needed to find the balance of our instincts in order to work together to accomplish the common goal of packing both cars.

This example is not unique to my family experience– teams experience this all the time – approaching problem solving from different instincts. It’s very easy to believe my way is the best way and induce narrow thinking. When perhaps what is needed is seeing each approach as correct and a little social and emotional intelligence to navigate the differences.

I often partner with Dr. Ramon Corrales on leadership and team development projects and he says that the Kolbe Index gives leaders/managers a great sense of confidence, knowing they have the right person and the correct guidelines for hiring the best. He goes on to say that this is a kind of managerial assurance—the confidence that we’re leading employees according to their own instincts, not according to our instincts—is truly priceless in the workplace . It means that we can raise the expectations in the direction of employees’ talents instead of putting much time and energy pushing them in areas where they don’t have the natural instincts to drive productivity.

I can’t agree more.

How much more productive could an individual be if what it takes to do the job was in alignment with how they naturally got the job accomplished? Within teams, a combination of instincts will offer both a different vantage point in getting the task accomplished and open up blind spots to thwart potential challenges. Everyone is right in how the job gets done with their unique action mode. The challenge is recognizing the beauty of their way, noticing the contrast to our own action mode, and flexing our interest enough to allow all potential solutions.

Ultimately, both cars did get packed and, the trip was made without incident. It took each of us seeing one another’s strengths and acquiescing just enough to keep us communicating and moving down the road.

Quality Ingredients Make An Effective Coaching Conversation

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 15:50:08 GMT

Summer is waning and gardens are continuing to offer a cornucopia of flavorful vegetables! So, what does this have to do with coaching?

A lot! Some of the most delicious fare has a short and simple list of ingredients which are packed full of flavor. For instance, let’s take bruschetta. There are so few ingredients that each one is the star of the show in their own right. There is nowhere to hide if the basil or tomato are having an off flavor day. When there are so few ingredients every one of them must be at peak performance.

Coaching is much the same in that there are a few simple ingredients that work together to create an impactful moment. If any are having an off moment the situation is affected. Let’s break down the recipe of essential ingredients…

Inner Awareness
Listening
Spot-on Questions

Inner Awareness –

First, who’s talking? I’m defining who as in my inner dialogue . What is my level of inner awareness being brought to the conversation? Am I having a great day and feeling on top of the world? Or maybe just the opposite and the day (week, month, or year) has run roughshod over me. Any of these inner states, and everything in between, comes along with us to our conversations. We bring all of us, all of the time, to every experience- period. It is an illusion that we get to check any aspect of ourselves at the door only to pick it back up at another time. Taking the time to unpack our inner landscape on a regular basis is essential to effective coaching. Otherwise, how will we know when our own rotten tomatoes and past peak basil are showing up in the conversation?

Listening –

Second, great listening happens in layers and through observation. From the coach’s point-of-view, the layers of listening are:

Internal Listening – this is when it’s all about ME and the awareness is on us personally. It’s from the perspective of my emotions, judgments, thoughts, experiences, and responses. What the other is saying is listened to through the filter of ‘how does this translate to my experience and my reality’.
Focused Listening – this level of listening is distinctly about the other person and total focus is on them. This is where our judgements, voices in our head, and predetermined responses are suspended. Also noticed are the emotions, body language, word choice and inflection, and what’s being said and not said. This is the place of listening with empathy and the other being fully heard.
Global Listening – this is the space of taking in the entire environment and how it's impacting the conversation. It’s using all of our senses to listen and observe what can be seen and unseen. I like to call this space of listening ‘the third’ as something new is being created and intuited in this place of co-creation.

This brings us to the last ingredient...

Spot-on questions -

A perfect question is prescriptive and meticulously tailored to the client and the moment. In the poem Sometimes , poet David Whyte writes “questions that can make or unmake a life ... questions that have no right to go away.” This verse sits at the seat of a great question’s composition. Questions that draw us inward have the power to transform, stimulate critical thinking, challenge our assumptions, and ask us if we’re living a congruent life. Answers are easy to come by but a well-articulated question draws us closer to personal accountability and forward momentum.

Back to the garden…

These three simple ingredients meld together to create an intentional coaching space for prescriptive growth and awareness. Through me, the coach, any of these aspects having an off day will impact the coaching space, my level of discernment, listening, and ultimately asking tailor made questions.

If there is one ingredient that is foundationally essential to coaching, it is the level of awareness being brought to the coaching conversation. Taking the time to identify and unearth my own triggers will greatly serve any exchange, dialogue, discussion, and meeting. Why? Because I am the common denominator in my conversations and I bring all of me, every time, to everything.

A Little Quiet Delivers Big Impact

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 15:45:49 GMT

To celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary my husband, Tom Anderson, and I embarked on a couple’s vision quest through the organization Rites of Passage.

While immersed in the wilderness of Northern California our guides, Mike Bodkin and Renee Sweezey, led us through a transformative experience in the both the internal and external sense. During our travel westward, and on numerous occasions at our final destination, I noticed my childlike wonder piqued and reminded of how pared down the essential moments of life are; pared down as in the simplest of experiences have the capacity to produce the greatest impact. I noticed this as I traced the shadow of our plane over the Rockies; as we traversed into the woods swallowed whole by the sights of giant Redwoods, and when I was gently held in moments of deafening quiet. These are all simple yet potent experiences yielding tremendous impact.

Right now in society, being big is big . Fill up the space. Go big or go home . It’s as if knowing how to pause is something we have completely forgotten. This reminds me of a coaching technique. It involves being quiet and resisting the temptation of filling up the pregnant pauses in the conversation. In my experience, it’s remarkable what unfolds when there is just the right amount of distance between the last word spoken and the next one said. The potency of silence produces an undeniable tension and has the capacity to release big impact. In these moments there is just enough space for insight and genius to occur.

With our recent trip I am also contemplating the value of how the giant Redwoods have clarity dialed in – yes, those colossal trees are big expressions of nature and they do it with undeniable precision and focus. A giant Redwood tree knows exactly who it is and it does it with clarity. My intent is not to make Redwoods anthropomorphic but to illustrate the clarity of nature. What a great metaphor for living – know who you are, why you’re here, and live from this place every day. This stance has simplistic elegance because when I know why I’m on the planet decision making gets crazy simple. I know exactly what to say yes and no to. It’s the difference between scattered efforts and laser precision. What an interesting paradox – big isn’t necessary better – it’s living from a place of clarity and focus that adds to the situation. I think the Redwoods would agree.

From a meta point-of-view, we have crossed the threshold of a new paradigm where humanities’ desire for collecting experiences is overshadowing the collection of things . I love this piece written by Rich Karlgaard, the publisher of Forbes Magazine. It’s titled The Age of Meaning . To paraphrase, Karlgaard is reflecting upon society’s transition from the collection of material things to acquiring a taste for meaning, purpose, and experiences concluding business’ will need to figure out this mystery in order to connect with their customers in a new way.

He says:

“ So what's left? Meaning. Purpose. Deep life experience. Use whatever word or phrase you like, but know that consumer desire for these qualities is on the rise. Remember your Abraham Maslow and your Viktor Frankl. Bet your business on it. ”

Karlgaard is spot on and with thirteen years of hindsight since this article was written it begs a few follow up questions: are organizations prepared to lead from a place of meaning and purpose? How will we manifest the new coin of experience into workplace culture? What present challenges are organizations experiencing which could be viewed as the impetus for a new way forward?

I believe part of the answer is asking these questions of ourselves: what level of clarity do I live from? What time have I given to discovering my why? How does my why interface with the why of my organization?

Clearly, big questions.

The prescription?

A dose of quiet.

The Positive Impact of Personal Accountability

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 15:41:18 GMT

I’ll be honest, in my personal experience of receiving feedback it can be an uncomfortable process.

I wince at having my actions and impact reflected back to me; even when the news is delivered in the kindest of ways. Chances are you have felt the same way and instead of taking this piece down the road of the ‘do’s and don’ts’ of giving and receiving feedback , I want to reframe the conversation – pursuing personal accountability ; which amounts to actively seeking growth.

The metaphor of a river comes to mind. I see myself already immersed in a current of information. It presents from a variety of sources and flows to me in the way of feedback, observation, nudges, and insights. Discomfort arises from impeding the flow and resisting change.

Deep introspective work is rarely easy. It entails having a taste for trouble and a willingness to embrace the myriad of aspects we’ve neatly divested ourselves of or kept at arms distance. Also, due to our blind spots, there are hidden aspects of self that ‘show up’ and are ever present in our responses, reactions, and behaviors. It’s an interesting paradox; in an effort to hide ourselves, we are in full view and influencing the now moment.

The opportunity – everyone can benefit from increased self-awareness. Instead of waiting for feedback, why not step into the flow and actively look for growth? Why not make a conscious decision to ride the river of meeting opportunities head on? This is intra and interpersonal accountability at its finest.

Here are a couple of personal examples of how I’ve benefited from embracing the stance of becoming accountable to my own personal growth:

As I know myself, I’m better able to clearly understand what another may need. Think of tackling personal growth as cleaning off your internal lens – I’m much better equipped to respond and flex my leadership style to the situation in front of me when I have internal clarity around who is showing up . I look at it this way: when I’m engaging with another and I feel an emotional charge, that’s a clue for me to dig a little into my own story.

As I know myself, I have clarity in what to say ‘yes or no’ to. Personal growth asks the tough questions: Why do I do what I do? What drives how I make decisions? The answer to these gives me direction and provides grounding when there are many choices and even less time to execute. Or more aptly put – when the rubber hits the road, how am I responding? Managing my energy and internal landscape is how I navigate moving forward.

When pursuing personal accountability adopting a meta-view has great benefits, too. It reconnects us with our ideal self by asking us to view situations from a panoramic lens and entertain the reoccurring themes in our lives. A meta-view provides context and broadens scope. When we can observe overarching themes and patterns we begin to tackle what is driving our behavior. How often do we become entangled in the details only to lose sight of the larger perspective?

To expand, a recent personal experience comes to mind: I misread another’s offer to help as ‘managing’ me because (I think) they think I can’t manage myself. Without unpacking every personal detail and keeping the innocent nameless, I realized their actions truly were benevolent and it was me (gasp!) who had some work to do. Shifting to meta-view, I asked myself what was that defensive response all about? Who was talking? Ah, yes, it was touching…. Yep, more work to do there!!

In the end, the personal work I do (or don’t do) goes with me and impacts wherever I am and whomever I engage with. This holds true for my organization; as a leader, I have a responsibility to the team, my colleagues, clients, and the global business community at large to be at my personal best.

So, how do you move towards personal accountability? First, make a commitment to step into the river and move with the flow of information. What also can help is to ask someone you have established trust with to be an accountability partner: a mentor, boss, peer, or partner. Share your commitment and ask if they’re willing to give you honest behavioral feedback. Then listen. Listen to their words and notice your internal response. If you prefer to ‘dive solo’ instead of using the reflective qualities of a relationship, begin noticing how you feel during interactions with another. And be willing to ask yourself, hmm, what is my response about? Am I resisting the river?

Standing Out With Executive Presence - Do you have it?

Tue, 24 Sep 2024 15:36:49 GMT

These days, the concept of executive presence is getting a lot of attention.

It’s a topic worth exploring to understand the meaning and different points of view. While doing a little research some of the keys words and phrases I found to describe executive presence were:

Ability to command a room
Confident
Speaks with authority
People stop and listen
Firm handshake
Well groomed
Polished
Poised

All valid points worth paying attention to.

My perception of executive presence is a little different. I think it’s an inside-out job . For me, it means a leader’s ability to have in the moment focus and see me right where I am . It’s the experience of speaking with someone when you know you have their complete, undivided attention. In that singular moment, no one else exists. It’s just you and them.

That’s powerful. That’s presence.

As I was pulling together my thoughts for this piece I recalled a first-hand experience of executive presence. It had been a trying week at work and there was no indication of relief in sight. In fact, I suspected things would get much worse before they got better. Our leader was in town for the day and she knew of my challenges. She was cordial, in ‘leader’ mode, and I had no expectation we would speak privately. Frankly, I didn’t think anything of not having 1:1 time with her because I was a leader and part of that responsibility is to embody the role and rise to the occasion – no matter how challenging.

In the hurry of the day, we ended up standing next to one other; unexpectedly, she turned to me and simply asked ‘ how are you ?’ This was no ordinary three word question. She was fully there with me in that moment and for a brief instant I was seen. It was respite from the chaos and provided encouragement for the difficulties ahead. Seen. Respite. Encouragement. Not a bad outcome for a leader who knew how to practice presence. She also embodied all the other above traits– confident, poised, polished, spoke with authority.

Also, this simple act somehow had an interesting byproduct; it translated into me wanting to work harder for this leader. It begs the question: how does presence affect another’s behavior?

My experience says this kind of presence is rooted in knowing why you’re here, who you are, and what you’re not. It’s grounded in both self-awareness and vulnerability; it’s about empathy; it’s about understanding another before being understood.

How do we accomplish this kind of presence?

The first step is to see ourselves. Next, find our personal edge and begin to grow capacity. As we begin to cultivate self-awareness and incorporate self-acceptance it expands our capacity to do this for another. This kind of presence has the ability to touch everyone in the room. And, perhaps, inspire and effectuate change. Getting to know who we are and why we’re here directly affects our ability to lead ourselves, others, and ultimately our organizations.

So, the next time someone wants your attention – pause and be completely present in that singular moment. The outcome may surprise you.